Engagement, marriage, graduation and the in between😮‍💨😍🥳🧐

New Last Name. New Degree. New Revelations. New Adventures. New Me, Who This? 😂 Laughing out loud but for real. Change has been the name of the game.

I am fully realizing I haven’t posted since getting engaged in November. Honestly, ever since then, life has been a whirlwind— at this point, this is a common theme for my mid-late 20s. I remember typing this same sentence in a previous blog. You read the title so you already know this blog post involves a lot of LIFE that has happened and there is no way I could summarize each of these transitions in one post. I’ll write about each transition because each one deserves its own space, processing and digging into!!

This blog is a space to process one of the busiest, most life-changing transitions I've ever experienced. It's certainly been a season of stretching, pushing me to a new level of what I consider 'hardcore' adulting. It's been a time of mourning my singleness, but also a time of preparing myself spiritually, physically, and mentally for the plans Jesus has for me. As I move into this new season, I'm reminded to be prayerful and to trust that God is working all things for my good. I'm reminded to be patient and to hold onto the peace and joy that comes from God's love and grace. I'm also mindful to be open to the possibilities of what might come, and to remember that I'm never alone no matter what. I'm learning that the best way to navigate this season is to stay grounded in God's Word and trust in His power, love, and plan for me.

It feels nice writing this blog at this point because I feel like I am getting to the other side of such a BUSY season. Whew. When my husband and I got engaged I knew we would have a short engagement so after a couple of months of “my fiancé, yeah that’s my fiancé, omg I have a fiancé” bliss— it was time to plan a wedding! We planned a SUPER sweet and intimate ceremony with 60 of our closest family and friends and man, I’m grateful we took this route for several reasons. And I mentioned that to say, now that we are happily married (YAY) and I am officially done with my graduate coursework (YAY AGAIN), I can finally come up for air and begin to process everything and hopefully share some nuggets with you!

So lets get into it—

Point numero uno: I mentioned “mourning” my singleness because for some time after my engagement that was the best language to sum up what I was experiencing. It is SO evident all over the gram that it is engagement/wedding season! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. I love love and I love to see people win in love, life, career, etc. I was so happy to be engaged to the love of my life. It felt so surreal. The culmination of the heartbreak, confusion, breakthrough, contentment, and happiness I dealt with throughout the years has finally paid off and I was being blessed with the man of my dreams. I felt like I was even being rewarded in a sense. And other moments felt like “whoa, this is all happening so quickly– is this what I truly want?”. One thing we don’t see after engagement and wedding posts is the reality I’m sure a lot of women (and men) face– the cold feet, the questioning, the uncertainty that comes right after making such a huge life-changing decision. Although I was beyond happy to be getting married to my sweet fiancé, I needed to face the ending of my single years and that came with a lot of mixed emotions. Some may call it a normal case of cold feet, but I named this phase of engagement: mourning. (I know that’s dark— but it is what it is). I cried, journaled, and prayed for what was and even though my mind and heart were at odds, I began to welcome what is. 

The idea of being a wife is something I’ve always basked in; the reality of it coming true in a matter of months was both exciting and unsettling. I asked myself, “What does it even mean to be a wife?” Most of my closest friends are still single, so I wondered how that would change our dynamic. Would I need to find more married friends? Would we still be as close as we had been? What is it going to feel like losing the freedom of singleness? How am I going to spend my time? Is it going to be constantly considering my husband? What does submission even feel like? What if I don’t feel like it? ” So many thoughts came to my mind daily and some days I thought, should I even leave this life behind?

Eventually, light shined into these dark thoughts through conversations with mentors, older married women, talks and time spent with my then fiancé, and my personal time with Jesus, and slowly but surely my mourning season turned into a season of dancing. I felt more ready (more ready because I don’t know if you ever feel fully ready for certain things) to seize the moment knowing that I don’t need to be discouraged or fearful because the Lord is with me every single step of the way and His power will continue and will always work best in my weakness. I didn’t need to worry. I just need to trust and trust like I have never before. 

I am reminded of this promise in Joshua 1:9.  “Be strong and courageous. Don’t be afraid or discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go”. 

The book of Joshua is a reminder to the Israelites and their future generations that the blessings they received were a gift from God. In other words, the book of Joshua, like many others, is a promise to God’s people that the Lord is faithful. Whenever you enter into an unknown land or experience advancement of any kind, Jesus is there. His rod and staff are there to comfort and strengthen you. Your willingness to obey God would be tested and sometimes you will fail that test, however, the faithfulness of God will forever remain the same. His unwavering faithfulness is something we can rely on, no matter what the situation. We can be assured that God will always be there to guide and protect us.

This was more than enough to conquer my fears and to look forward to my marriage, life after graduation and the seasons of life Jesus will usher me (us) into. I have Him. And He is more than enough. He alone is my portion and I am forever grateful. 

So— life-changing transitions should be discussed more, the good and the bad and the in-between. I am happy that I had the chance to mourn my singleness and maybe there would be times when I would be confronted with those emotions again, and the formula remains the same: Trust Jesus. Feel those feelings, but also hold onto the truth and don’t depart from it. I know I don’t have this thing figured out but it’s a blessing to begin to realize I don’t have it and I know for a fact—no one does.  Even seasoned married couples are still learning about their lovers. Graduates are still unsure of their path and re-considering and un-considering certain moves and career options. Life experiences, especially those worth having, won’t fit a cookie-cutter frame and honestly, I whole-heartedly feel like it’s time to get out of this mindset that everything will go accordingly and submit to the fact that we only have TODAY to look forward to and it is in our best interest to serve the day the best we can.

I am not saying don’t plan for your future because that would be foolish. Planning for the future is an important part of life, but I am learning to take a step back and focus on the present. I don't need to necessarily plan out every aspect of my future career. I don't need to find a job that perfectly aligns with all of my degrees and experiences. Instead, I'm striving to focus my energy on serving others in whatever capacity I can. This could mean taking on a job I didn't necessarily imagine myself in or volunteering for a cause I'm passionate about. Whatever the case, I am learning to focus on the present and the potential opportunities it provides. Serving in the current space I am in and remaining open to what the Lord is putting before me. And I believe if Jesus sat down with us millennials He would preach a similar message.  

You are not bound by human constraints as a child of God. Be faithful to the little He has put in front of you and He will increase you and He will see to it that you accomplish what He has for you. We are in good company. And it is my prayer for you to pursue spiritual values and allow that to overshadow worldly pursuits.

All is well friends and I pray you were encouraged!!

With love as always,

Mrs. Dessie  🥰

my forever 💗

27 things I’ve learned throughout my twenties

Twenty-Seven 💖

Wow. I am 27 and I cannot believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was turning 24 in Saint Vincent as a Peace Corps volunteer. SO MUCH has changed in these last 3 years. Where has time went?? Growing up I’d always hear my elders say “when I was your age [insert random story, judgment, nostalgic thought here] and I didn’t think too much of these stories, but you know what– I recently caught myself saying this in multiple instances😳. Seriously, I am so grateful for each and every year up until this point— the good and the bad. I don’t think I am one of those people who are age adverse. After all, it truly is just a number. At 27, I am the most mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally fit I’ve ever been and this thought brings me a sense of comfort coming into this new age.

I am approaching the age where my mom conceived me. So y’all already know she’s looking at me sideways and wondering where her grandchildren are 😅. Like, in 3 years, I’ll be 30… what a thought. But we’ll cross those bridges when we get there, I’m moving ahead of myself. I’m such a different woman now. I think back to 21 year old Ashley or even 24 year old Ashley to now, and my goodness… VASTLY different woman. Mostly in positive ways. 

Here’s a list of 27 things I have learned by my 27th birthday! You know what, I’ll even break it into categories for an easier read ;)

Personal:

1. Everyone won’t like you, vibe with you, understand you or support your growth and that is okay. For years, I stifled my own personal growth because of fear. At the end of the day, I had to admit I was a people pleaser and that spirit wasn’t going to get me anywhere! The more I welcomed the idea of being comfortable with who I am becoming, I didn’t feel the need to have to prove myself one way or the other.

2. Journaling has got me through some real inner battles. I realized some things don’t necessarily have to be spoken from one friend to another. I am a big proponent of getting sound advice from trusted friends, but there are some things that you may have to work out between yourself and God. I’ve experienced breakthroughs sitting in my room, with my journal, allowing my mind to run free and capturing destructive thoughts and bringing it to the Lord. 

3. Modesty, modesty, modesty. There are so many reasons why I value modesty now. My wardrobe in college consisted of pieces that were either extra tight, real short, see through, showed way too much cleavage and though, deep down I knew I felt uncomfortable presenting myself in this way, I kept wearing and buying these sorts of clothes. It was the culture 🤷🏽‍♀️. As I mature, I realize people treat you how you carry yourself. Try to highlight other aspects of who you are other than your body. It will protect and empower you like no other.

4. The power of writing! Write it all down. Goals, visions, to-do lists, groceries. You’ll have more space in your mind for other things. 

5. Move to a new state or a new country in your 20s IF possible. My outlook on life has been enhanced in more ways than I can count.

6. Think of others more highly than yourself and treat them how you wish to be treated. I promise that’ll do wonders for your own self-esteem and outlook on life. Also, you will be greatly rewarded in every area of your own life.

7. Start moving in the direction you want your life to go. Don’t put off certain goals because you feel you’re too young. “I’ll start pursuing (blank) when I’m (blank)” no, no no… move towards that N.O.W.

8. Cherish your parents and elders in your life. They are getting older too and won’t be around forever. Pick up those calls, forgive the past, buy them dinner, pull up on them, etc. Make the time. 

9. Your diet isn’t only the food you put into your body, but the quality of the people you let into your life, the music you listen to, the shows you binge, the conversations you entertain, etc. I learned to be just as intentional about these aspects of life in helping me reach my goals. We intake SO much on the daily that it’s hard to filter through the junk, but it is more vital than ever. 

10. Closed mouths don’t get fed. Advocate for yourself. Make your expectations and boundaries clear. No one is a mind-reader and we all have different perceptions. Over communicating is the name of the game and learning to do so effectively is a major key. 

Spirituality:

11. I’ve come to really understand it all comes down to your relationship with Jesus. It’s not about religion nor dos and don’ts. Nothing/ no one else has made me feel that inner peace I’ve longed for and was created for. I remember making a lot of money during an internship in college, dating all the cool or nice guys, taking all the trips and having a strong community, but I have learned even with all that, I was still lacking what my soul craved and that was a real love relationship with God. Truthfully, once the novelty of most things wears off you’re left feeling pretty empty. I learned this early on and knew I was made for something deeper. 

12. It’s a LOVE relationship. Following religion doesn’t get you far nor get your roots deeply planted. Earnestly ask Him to reveal Himself to you and I promise your life will not be the same.  It really breaks my heart to see family and friends not living for Christ because of inaccurate doctrine, people hurt or because they have been deceived into thinking God is this abstract thing and we have all we need within us. There isn’t anything better out there. In your own strength, you will not go as far as you like to believe no matter how positively you think or how “good” you may be. 

13.  Following popular culture had me lost in the sauce for so long. Social media has the charm of making us pursue things we don’t even care about just because that’s what is trending. From time to time, I still get caught up but as my roots grow deeper, I’m better able to discern what’s fruitful and what is not and to react accordingly. We were never meant to live for an audience of many. Stay true to where you are getting led and mute out all the extra noise. 

14. It is not about what you do. Jesus isn’t looking at your performance, how much money your side hustle earns, how many books you read, your career, or how “good” you are to others, He is looking at your heart. I am learning to not put my identity or worth in external factors.

15. Read your Bible! Fall in love with it. It’s not just a mere book. 

Romantically: 

16.  Let that man LEAD! Listen, the whole independent woman talk doesn’t phase me. Yes, I am able to provide and take care of myself and yes I will happily let my man do that as well. I learned to step back and let that man step up. If he is showing you he cannot lead in your relationship, well.. that’s another conversation. Letting a man lead versus manipulate or control or dominate you are very very very different things. 

17. Abstinence is the name of the game. Seriously taking sex off of the table in my dating life has healed me like no other. Sex is not intimacy and often times complicates the mess out of things and it really does create a facade that’s really not there. Premarital sex and hookup culture is so popular and it’s easy to believe it’s just “causal” but trust me it doesn’t lead to any positive outcome in the long run. And rarely, is it ever just casual. Let’s be real. 

18.  Don’t chase a relationship. A man who is serious about you and sees a future with you will make it plain and as clear as day. Most men aren’t that complicated and men are naturally hunters. If they want you they will make it clear. Be pursued and courted correctly! It won’t be a force for the right one to see your worth. 

19.  That list of everythingggg you want in a partner may be limiting you, especially if there’s mainly physical or cultural elements or things that can be learned through time. Dating outside my comfort zone has been a blessing for me. I wouldn’t have given my boyfriend, the love of my life,  the time of day if I was judging our compatibility on what I THOUGHT I wanted in a partner.

20. Dating and marriage aren't the ultimate keys to life. It’s such a beautiful journey and one that serves a great purpose in your womanhood and I truly desire marriage and looking forward to being a wife one day, however, singleness is also a gift and SO beautiful. Don’t waste it just wishing and hoping for prince charming. He will definitely come one day and your coming together will be so much richer if you spend your single years fruitfully. 

Career and Schooling:

21. You don’t need to put yourself in a box. I studied and got a fashion degree in college. Currently getting a Masters in education and policy. Flirting with the idea of writing a book. I have a heart for traveling, giving back, and serving in the mission field. Now where will this lead me ultimately? No idea, but I am starting to be at peace with not knowing step by step. Obviously I don’t want to be a jack of all trades and a master of none, but I am coming to see my path hasn’t been traditional and it very well may not be. Let the Lord lead you and don’t lean on your own understanding. After all, your calling may be unlike anything you could imagine for yourself. 🤷🏽‍♀️

22. In most settings since graduating high school, I am either the only black woman or the only woman. This had me deeply insecure about my intelligence and what I bring to the table. But listen, internalized biases are REAL and if I don’t consistently check them at the door, I will forever undervalue myself and will be at the beck and call of others’ thoughts and perceptions of me. And that’s a dangerous place to park. YOU ARE AT THE TABLE FOR A REASON. What you bring is so unique. Don’t second guess that. 

23.  For readers in school: Undecided on your career or next step? Join several organizations, go to mixers, study abroad, find and message people on platforms like LinkedIn and message them for a quick chat, build meaningful relationships. Doing these have helped me a ton. Go ahead and put yourself out there. Completely get OUT of your comfort zone. Doing each and every 30-page reading may or may not get you as far as that chat or group hang out would. Close the laptop and go network! Make some connections. 

24. PRIORITIZE! Life can get so overwhelming so fast. Everything won’t always get done. And that is ok. Sometimes, the only priority I have for the day is to get through it and trust God for strength to show up. 

Friendships:

25. Deal with conflict head on, especially if this is a relationship you value. Don’t let anything fester in your heart. 

26. Some friendships are seasonal. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s reality. I don’t believe in canceling people. But I do believe sometimes we hold onto friendships that deep down we know we should let go of. 

27. Last but not least: Quality relationships are KEY. Don’t neglect your soul sisters or brothers. Date your friends. Those friendships will carry you through!

I flirted with the idea of featuring pictures throughout my twenties, but I’ll save that for another time. For now, here are pictures from my birthday party with a couple family + friends ;)

Until next time 💗

Speak It Into Existence-- seriously.

I am so passionate about this.

One thing that the Lord has made very clear to me is the power of the tongue. Time and time again, I have witnessed the words I speak over situations, events or relationships come to pass- whether for good or for bad. 

The three major incidents that come to mind are:

 1.) My sophomore year of undergrad, I was determined to study abroad. As a fashion major, my first choice was to study in China, however, that program wouldn’t be offered until the following summer, but that did not deter me. I made up my mind to spend the summer outside of my comfort zone and wanted to experience the Lord in a deeper way–however that looked like. I spent days looking for programs outside of my major before landing at an opportunity to study in Costa Rica with the communications department studying interracial relations amongst Costa Ricans.  I had NO money to afford this $6k+ trip AND pay for my rent in Georgia during the summer, BUT, by faith I made the $300 deposit and gave my concerns to Jesus. I remember emailing the program coordinator (who unknown to me at the time is a strong woman of faith) and telling her I really want to go and will submit the deposit to secure my spot, but did not have enough coins to fund this month-long trip. For the next few months, I prayed and petitioned to God if this trip is according to His plans for me to please make a way. Now mind you- though the trip was not paid for, I was telling everyone my summer plans to study in Costa Rica and how excited and expectant I was. LOL. Long story short, my words came to life through several scholarships I applied for in faith and through the program coordinator going to BAT for me. I was able to afford the trip in full and use the REMAINING funds to pay for my summer rent 2 months in advance. JESUS.

 

2.) The same incident happened the following year. Remember in point 1, I mentioned the fashion trip to China was taking place the following summer? Well fast-forward to a year later, it was time to submit applications and put in a deposit to secure my spot. Again, I did not have the funds to completely fund the trip, however, by faith I spoke that Jesus will make a way and this too will be taken care of… and YET AGAIN.. I received scholarships and random payments that covered this trip as well. 

3.) A humbling and truly amazing incident was getting accepted to Columbia University with full tuition covered. For as long as I can remember, I always said Jesus will pay for my graduate studies if that is something He wanted me to pursue. After taking out loans for undergrad, I refused to take out any more for the pursuit of higher education.. no, no, no. I constantly spoke, “Jesus will pay for my masters”. I’m sure some people looked at me with the side eye and thought “okayyy girl, but keep that FAFSA tab open too”.  But in my spirit, I know that this was for me and by faith, I applied to schools knowing I wasn’t in the position to afford it but fully knowing I should not lean on my own understanding. He has made a way in the past and His track record is solid and undeniable. I even took it a step further and wrote this caption WEEKS BEFORE I heard back from the admissions department. 

Again, I wrote this caption weeks before I even knew I was admitted. These incidents were life-changing and were a direct result of faith. There are both small and big incidents in my life where I did not see the Lord’s hand in but trusted him anyway and I have not been led astray.

DECLARE IT! DECLARE IT! DECLARE IT!

As children of God, our tongues (words) have a lot of power. Proverbs 18:21 confirms this by saying, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits." While it is common practice to complain, speak negativity, underestimate people and situations, I am a firm believer that the words you speak will play out in the same way you have spoken it. Are your words about others, your relationships, your family, your finances, your health life-giving or producing death, anxiety and worry? Seriously, monitor your conversations for the next few days and honestly answer that question. The Bible consistently talks about calling things that are not as if they are and watch how things start to shift both in the physical and spiritual AND in your heart. 

Quick pause: This isn’t about satisfying your own desires at all nor self-serving, our prayers should be according to His will. 

Let me attempt to explain the above point further. So we are spirits. We have our physical bodies, our souls and our spirit. The physical realm is what we see and experience everyday in our physical bodies, however, we are spirits and there is indeed a spiritual realm that is also just as real as the physical, though you cannot see it, you can definitely experience it.  Spiritually, what our tongue produces has eternal implications and it reveals what is in our heart. Jesus said that “the good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him” (Matthew 12:35). In other words, if you find yourself constantly speaking negatively about people and circumstances or just have a general pessimistic outlook on life, it is a good idea to give that to the Lord and ask Him to reveal and to remove whatever has taken root in your heart that is producing death. The good that He has placed in our hearts are meant to be experienced and spoken over people and circumstances– nothing less. But first, we have to acknowledge that within ourselves we cannot produce any good outside of His spirit working in us giving us the thoughts, ideas, confidence and faith to speak life even if we are surrounded by dead-end and hopeless situations. Whew. Hope you’re still with me.

Now onto the physical, Words create actions, good and bad. Think one does not need much explaining because we’ve all been in situations where we knew we should have kept our mouths closed but didn’t and things ended badly. Or speaking up at the right time and experienced positive effects. There’s so much I can say on this topic from what I have experienced personally and what I have witnessed through others. In addition, another verse that comes to mind is: Isaiah 59:2-3 where Isaiah is talking about how we will have to give an account for every single word we’ve ever spoken. 

“Men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken” (Matthew 12:36). 

I do not know about you, but I take the Bible at its word (still growing but this isn’t a truth I can easily discard). This verse is the real deal. I don’t want to be judged based on gossiping, lying, cursing, speaking death over things He has called to life and wants me to water daily. I speak life over my family, my partner, his family, friendships, others and their lives, my edges, future businesses, future marriages, my future children, the future in general, the present, my pastor and his ministry, the U.S., countries in war, heck countries in peace, everything. And I have seen the fruit of this time and time again of doing this regularly over every area of my life. I am speaking from real experience that spoken words produce real life results. 

I pray that as you read my words that you will get encouraged to take the Bible at its word and believe every single promise the Lord has written and it blesses you deep in your soul. I pray that it is well over you and everything that concerns you. I pray that you are a huge blessing in the lives of others through your words and your actions.

Until next time!💋💋

Let's Talk: Confidence

What or Who defines your self-worth?

This is a question I constantly ask myself. And maybe you get caught up with the same thoughts. 

Oh, the age of social media. We are literally getting told what to wear, who to be around, what to eat, how to eat it, how our hair should look, where to go, what our career should be, what our lives should look like, insert everything.  The subtle or not so subtle messaging is never ending. It is so clear that our generation and those younger than us are living from a place of misinformation. A skewed view of reality. Empty perceptions. Who makes these rules anyway?? 

It is no surprise that as a society we are experiencing all time highs of depression, self doubt, poor body image, burn out, jealousy, and major FOMO. We are putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves and those around us. And if we’re not careful and self-reflective, we can easily build our self-worth around these empty perceptions. I try to take time to really sit down and reflect on how I’m relating to myself and the world around me and I’ve realized I have put my self-worth on things like my relationship status, career related moves, page content, my body and heck even my hair! Now some of these things are pretty trivial, while others hold a little bit more weight. Like page content, pretty pictures… pretty petty in the grand scheme of things 🙂 

Quick story- So, a few weeks ago as I was in the process of removing my faux locs hairstyle, I literally cut like 4 inches of my hair. 4 INCHES- i'm pretty sure!!  Healthy growing tresses~ CUT. Gone in an instant. I was so sad. At the time, I was on FaceTime with my boyfriend and he saw the instant change in my mood… I was speechless and about to cry y’all! His constant reassurance of my beauty and sweet platitudes were falling to deaf ears. Ya girl was distraught. And in the moment, I noticed how attached I am to looking a certain way. My physical appearance, like most people, determines mostly how I feel about myself.  Cutting my hair is obviously a simple example of a much larger issue, but all the same I want to be able to feel good about myself whether my hair is 2 inches or 20 inches. 

The next mental hold is finding your self worth in your relationship status. I know I know… we are all so guilty of this. Feeling happier, prettier, more whole when you get into a relationship. Though this could be a sign of a healthy relationship, so many of us place way too much weight on being with another person and we quickly attach our identity to our partner. That is unhealthy. If you are ghosting or haven’t been as good of a friend to your homies since you got cuffed— that aint a good sign. Major disclaimer before we move forward:  I get it. We are each limited beings with limited time and energy. And I agree-- it is not wise to give away certain parts of yourself in the same manner you would do to a partner or your closest confidant. I am in no way suggesting this. I am talking about treating your friends in a disposable or lousy manner because of a romantic relationship. Your partner deserves love, time and respect 1000%, but this person is not your everything. Ask yourself, are you searching for your self-worth through him/her or allowing this relationship to validate what you feel may be lacking in your own heart? Our sense of worth shouldn’t bounce around like a ping pong ball based on whether we are cuffed or not, degree-d or not, ‘booked n busy’ or not, well traveled or not, and all that other stuff we tend to glorify. 

Although real accomplishments and healthy relationships are SO important and SO amazing and deserve to be acknowledged, they are just additions to what already makes you— you. So uniquely you. So wonderfully and fearfully made (Psalm 139:14). 

Though I am still building my sense of self and allowing the Lord to transform me into his perfect image, I feel very secure in who I am and what I have to offer. It has taken lots of trials and tribulations, heartbreaks, accomplishments, failures, joys, tears, conversations, all that. But the things that constantly stick with me are:

1. My identity and self worth is found and defined only by Jesus. I am who He says I am. He feels great about me, so who am I to judge what the Lord calls most beautiful?? As a believer or not, the reality is you are created in the image of God and your purpose is found and rooted in Him. His glory, beauty, holiness, justice and love is shining down on you and you are meant to reflect that into the world. Now that is more than enough for your heart to do a happy dance. 

2. Why are you comparing yourself?? Stop it! Sometimes we are way too critical of ourselves. Thinking critically on ways you can improve upon something and beating yourself to the ground are two different things. If you find yourself ruminating on nagging and destructive thoughts, it’s time to relax. Pray. Exercise. Take A NAP. Shift your perspective. Do what you need to do to challenge that inner voice. It is neither productive nor beneficial. The Bible talks about how stress and anxiety is useless and doesn’t add another day to your life (Luke 12:25). Comparing yourself to others is the quickest way for you to lose your joy. Stay in your lane. Your story and your purpose is unique to you and only you. What God is doing in your life is HUGE and He needs you to stay focused and true to who He made you to be. Plus, if you had the chance to really be in that other person's shoes, would you realllyyyyyy want too? Probably not. We all have struggles. Do not compare.

3. Take social media fasts. It is so needed. A huge necessity. Cutting off the noise from time to time does a great work on your heart and overall mental health. We don’t realize how taxing scrolling through Instagram, Tik Tok or Facebook actually is until you step away and experience a flood of peace. We’ve become so ingrained into other people's lives (strangers mainly)  and I do not think it’s healthy. 

4. Be kind and caring to yourself and your needs and that of others around you.

5. Take yourself out on a date!! Love solo dates.

6. Understand we are all imperfect and trying to figure out life. This is true for your boss, your supervisor, your bestie, your mentor, your parents, your partner, etc. We’re all human with limited capacity. Limited knowledge. Blind spots, etc. 

7. SERVE. SERVE. VOLUNTEER. GET INVOLVED. My self worth and general feelings about my capacities and where I stand in the world greatly improved once I started to help those around me. Generosity is good for the soul. Joining the Peace Corps and devoting my time to my community in Saint Vincent was one of the hardest yet most rewarding things I have done. I try to serve and give back as much as I can selflessly. Find a cause you truly care about and get involved. It is better to give than to receive (Act 20:35).

8. Forgive yourself. Forgive those who hurt you in the past. Let that weight go. I know this is really hard, but your present and future self deserves it. 

9. Rid FOMO. I used to suffer from major fear of missing out. You don’t have to attend everything, cherish your solo time too. Set boundaries for yourself and stick to them even if it means you’ll be missing in action from time to time. 

10. Try to be thankful and grateful in all circumstances(1 Thess 5:16-18). 

NYC Move: Its been almost ONE YEAR!!😮

Truly unlike any other place I've lived.

Stay tuned for tips + advice that has helped me along the way.

I meet so many people who marvel at the idea of living in New York City. I get it. I mean it is New York City. This city has been glorified in movies, shows, plays, reels, just about everywhere my entire life. I get the appeal of visiting NYC—100%. Living, however, is a different story- at least in my experience. I am a mostly simple person. I love being outdoors– going on quiet walks and feeling the wind on my skin, going for drives, reading books on the patio, random hikes, and just plainly being outdoors without the thought of being inundated by people, salesmen, noises and worst of all: the city smells- smells very much unique to NYC 🤢

I hope I didn’t paint the country gal picture though because I do enjoy many aspects of city living. Here in New York, you have access to virtually ANYthing. From “I never even knew this was a thing” daytime activities, nightlife experiences, bomb restaurants and cafes from every part of the world (listen… Uzbek bakeries are top tier) to just finding yourself in the middle of an exciting day without the hassle of making any plans. Whatever your niche is, there is a community for you. I love that. New York State is one of a kind because it feels like multiple cities in one where you can escape the never-ending traffic and opt for boat rides across the city, escape the city’s hustle and bustle and drive upstate for the day or any of the nearby tri-state cities. Options are limitless. 

And obviously this doesn’t come without: COST.  New York is incredibly expensive. I’m talking $8 cereal boxes expensive. Like who would have thought eating Fruit Loops would be a luxury?? As a young woman starting her career, I am quickly learning how to say NO, staying in my lane and understanding the necessity of living below your means. Though I’ve always been the person who loves a good deal and knows how to save money; there’s another side of me that needs to be tamed: the soft life hunny. In the recent past, whatever I wanted I didn’t think twice of getting. Whether it was my favorite meal on any given day, changing hairstyles like its lipstick, a pair of cute shoes for the next season, an outfit for the weekend, a spa trip, or an overseas trip. I purchased first and reasoned later. Not the best habit. And some advice: the trip can wait. I’ll say it again for my people who are thinking of booking that overseas or *heck* that domestic trip and you know it’s not the most responsible thing for this season…stop tracking that flight and say no. Aunty or uncle please- your future self will THANK you. Anywho, that was a tangent. My spirit was telling me that word was for someone, though.

I was no stranger to impulse buys, and living in New York City has a way of straightening you out real quick. And I am not called to live from paycheck to paycheck and you aren’t either. So here’s a few lessons I am learning to maximize my time here in the Big Apple— emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. 

A few lessons that’s keeping me -sorta- sane:

1. Set work boundaries. Monday-Friday, (and some Saturdays), I am constantly giving every part of myself to my students, work, grad school and other responsibilities. After 7pm, everything is silenced. The emails, the grading, the planning, the meetings, no no no no. 

2. Make a to-do list of FIVE things that need to be completed on that day. Having a never ending to-do list creates stress and anxiety because ultimately everything never gets done and that's discouraging. Instead of writing down twenty ideas that need to be completed that day or month, try to do a daily list or short-term list of things you want to achieve. Small wins go such a long way. Even items like fixing your bed in the morning feels great when checked off and provides a sense of accomplishment needed to jumpstart the day.

3. Spend time in PRAYER. This should be number one, honestly. The mornings I spend time with my First love sets the tone for the day. I try to spend time with Jesus in the mornings and evenings before I sleep. Right now, it’s pretty unstructured so once I get consistent, maybe I’ll blog about that revelation. Because it’s been tough- ngl.

4. SAY NO. These are un-work related boundaries. I am meeting so many people and it’s easy to get lost in the sauce. Never ending lunch or dinner plans, extra long conversations, getting invited to this or that place…whew. It’s a lot. I love meeting and getting to know people, but honestly..it’s become a lot very quickly. So yes, understand it’s not every event you must show face. It’s not every person you must give time and energy to. I am not saying to be dismissive or unwilling just for the sake of it, but be sensitive to your needs and when you are running low and spend time rejuvenating yourself. 

5. Create a monthly budget and STICK to it. Write down every single expense and make sure you are keeping up with all the money you are earning. Manage your money and cut out unnecessary spending. Re-wear that fit and take no pictures, it’s that easy right? Lol. *No shopping this month*

6. Take the subway. It’s not every time Uber. 

7. Rest is just as important as grinding. Spend one day every week doing something you genuinely enjoy, alone or with a loved one. This city drains you in unique ways so this is a major key. I’ve never seen sleep deprivation like the way I’ve witnessed in New York. You don’t have to make time for all of the things. This ties in to lesson number 4. This is important. 

8. Find your community. Stay true to your values and morals. You will meet and find the right people. This takes time though. Be patient with yourself and if you are feeling alone, find healthy ways to connect. Websites like meetups are a cool way to meet new, like-minded people. Join a new church, attend dope events around the city, reach out to your favorite guy or gal friend. Just don’t isolate yourself. 

There’s so much more I can add. But I’ve given enough for us to chew on. At the end of the day, life is about acquiring and exercising wisdom. The Bible speaks a great deal about wise versus foolish decisions. Walk in wisdom daily and watch your days produce more peace, joy, happiness, and contentment. 

Some of my favorite verses as it relates to wisdom:

1. Ecclesiastes 7:12- For the protection of wisdom is like the protection of money, and the advantage of knowledge is that wisdom preserves the life of him who has it.

2. Matthew 7:24- Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.

3. Proverbs 24:3-6- (3) By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; (4) And by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches; (5) A wise man is strong, and a man of knowledge increases power; (6) For by wise guidance you will wage war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory.

4. The entire book of Proverbs.

Hope this blessed you!

Until next time~

Ash💋