Can I be real for a moment?

I want to be very transparent on this blog. Right now I’m feeling the most vulnerable and powerful I’ve ever felt and I want to keep all my readers in touch each step of the way. (As much as I’m willing Atleast) . Also, because I love writing and it’s been a good outlet for me for years.

Yes it’s definitely an amazing experience and I go on many adventures, experience something new everyday, eat amazing foods and take cool pictures but here’s the other side of the coin.

I didn’t wanna share this but aww what the heck! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Entry from July 17, 2019-

Today was pretty hard. I had so many different emotions from the moment I woke up, throughout training and till after I got home after 5pm.

I cried several times during training today which is if you know me, HUGE! I typically don’t cry in front of others. And it’s annoying sometimes! Especially since I’m extremely empathetic. (Like believe me.. I do want to cry with you! Lol) But somehow in the presence of others, my emotions don’t all the way settle in... if that makes sense.  even when I wanna just meltdown and cry, it’s like my body puts on an automatic defense for me and all my tears dry out lol. But I would say in these last couple of months, I’ve been getting a lot more comfortable with my vulnerability and sharing that with others (claps for Ash)

But on this day.....That automatic defense went all the way down and my body was like “yeaaaa we’re gonna let you feel this” so that’s exactly what happened and I cried and cried. You know those tears you get when you’re just crying and crying and you don’t even know what exactly is triggering it? Like the first couple of tears, you know exactly what this is about... then after like 5 mins.. you’re thinking about all the sadness in the world, what isn’t working out, the cry from like a week ago then it’s just... like omg, now what?!! That mood you get in when you just can’t explain what you’re feeling, how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it?? Well that was me today & you are NOT alone. I would like to say it’s because I’m homesick, but I do think it’s a culmination of things i can’t really put into words.

Today we worked through several activities and exercises, some of which were very emotional so that didn’t make things any better  I think the exercises and hearing the experiences of others also made me pretty emotional.

What I learned today is- well many things. As basic, obvious or whatever you wanna call it as this sounds but there are some REALLY good people in the world. The support and love we’ve all shared for each other (2 weeks in of friendship) has truly been paramount. I’m very blessed to be placed in such an emotionally mature group and before coming to Peace Corps have people in my life who actually place people in high regards. I’ve connected with individuals who actually care for others and respects every single emotion one may be feeling and able to speak to situations in a very constructive manner.

For example, we’re all in this together and we know in the next 2 years, we will all go through a myriad of emotions and roller coaster of feelings but instead of sulking in that, there’s uplifting dialogue and I’m not talking about that basic “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” “ it’s all for the better, we’re all getting stronger, you got this” (although this is true) ...I’m talking about the filtering of emotions that helps you understand why you feel this way and in turn strengthens you and redirects you to the very reason you answered such a selfless assignment.

There’s nothing wrong with feelings of sadness and feeling like you can’t control pretty much anything. But this is the first time in my life that I feel “stuck”. Stuck in a sense of I have to come to terms with ALL my feelings every single day and if I can’t do this.. it’s okay. I won’t always be in control and in fact, I’m never really in control anyway. This realization is not all bad, though it does scare me sometimes.

My life is way beyond me at this point and this is something that gets a lil more real every single day. It’s not about me. I didn’t enter this season expecting it to be this way, neither. However, I didn’t realize I’ll be learning so much about myself so quickly in the process of becoming an assistance to others. 

I can’t just go into my room, my safe place, to drown the world out, take a break & refresh or hide away from things or anyone else for that matter..so I have to truly learn how to adapt to this new sense of “vulnerability” and accept my current reality. It’s really different as I stated before- yet powerful all the same.

Life here isn’t fast paced. Nor driven by materialistic things or 1000 ways to distract yourself from actually getting to know yourself or the world around you. Atleast that’s not the case for me. I like to press in and not fill myself with surface level nothings, relations or things that only offer temporary gratifications. When you’re feeling incompetent, pressure or challenged, you can’t run to a substance, your ego, your job, a busy schedule, a checklist, the group of your closest ‘friends’ who may or may not know you- the real you I mean- , you can’t go indulge in Netflix for hours (I still do, don’t get ya girl wrong) or any bandaid fixes that doesn’t actually heal you nor help any situation. And expect to feel fine. That only works for so long. 
You actually have to learn you. And come to terms with why you’re feeling this way, how you respond to things and why you respond that way. That’s how I’m learning to take things day by day. This also helps me appreciate the little things and the little wins.

I’m not sure how we’ve got to this place and I’ve just been typing and typing. (i started proof reading y’all btw!!) but you know those days, when you’re realllly in your feelings and you don’t care what comes out so as long as it comes out! Well it was one of those days. Happy reading! Lol

To end... I just wanna say

One thing is for sure- You can’t practice compassion or courage with anybody else until you practice it with yourself .

THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE

I still can’t believe the day has finally arrived!!!


Like y’all do not understand. I’m still at a loss for words about how everything is moving and going by. I remember the day I got accepted to the Peace Corps in January and having NOOOO idea where I’ll be spending 26 months of my LIFE WAS SO TOUGH! Every single person asked me “so where are you going?” “where will you be staying?” and I had NOTHING TO SAY! Other than, “I’ll be in St. Lucia for the first couple of weeks of training” and the other part of me was like “I really hope people stop asking me so many questions because IDDKKK” lol. Of course, it’s natural to get 500 questions when you embark on a journey like this but my particular post in the Eastern Caribbean is unlike any other Peace Corps post.Everyone gets accepted to their country and immediately knows exactly where they will be placed BUT the EC is not like that. You have training first in St. Lucia then you get placed on one of the other 3 islands on the Eastern Caribbean. So telling people I didn’t know each and every time made me more and more anxious.However I wasn’t uneasy or fearful at all. Ultimately, I knew for a fact that whenever I got assigned permanently was where God wanted me to be. Precisely. I’m not here by accident and my location has already been predestined and came with God’s assurance and His providence. 

Whenever I got sent, I strongly feel like I will fall in love because otherwise I’ll still be in ATL, doing something! Lol. The fact that I have made it this far says alooooot and I don’t believe in things happening “by chance” or mere coincidences. My God is way too big for that. I serve a very faithful God who created me uniquely in my mother’s womb and has numbered everyyy single hair on my body so why would I doubt this next chapter of my life? Why would I doubt being in the EC isn’t already ordained down to micro seconds and is being used to serve a greater purpose? God is so soooo detailed- it’s so amazing!! Every single encounter works together and every SINGLE thing/day/person in your life is extremely intentional and vital and it all creates the bigger picture! There is nothing happening by mistake or happening randomly because He already has seen all the days in our life.. it’s just up to us to completely trust our Heavenly Father and know He knows WAY more and wants everything to work out PERFECTLY for us waaay more than we do. He has the end in mind from the beginning and He roots for us every single day! He is creating every single thing to work together for my good. So who was I too worry?

Right? But I still worried...slightly.

Leading up to today, I was feeling slightly emotional. I wrote a post the other day but I haven’t gotten a chance to post it because this week was kinda emotional for me. (But I will post it right after this post.)I was getting worried mainly because many people were dumping their emotions, preferences and feelings on me and in turn, this made me very anxious too! I started to look up the islands and find pros/cons about them and then I made my choice. Initially, I was praying for God to keep me in St. Lucia so every single day I was CONFIDENT i was going to stay. I had no worries. Ya girl just knew she was going to stay here since day 1... HA!

Come Week 2, other Trainees we’re talking about Grenada and how it’s so beautiful and how flights to other places are cheaper from Grenada. “So me: saaaaay what? Cheaper flights, smaller island that’s less packed, easier public transportation, beautiful beaches too (they all got beautiful beaches, Ash)?!!” Also me: Yep that’s exactly where God wants me! Lol. I was like “Well since God put Grenada on my heart then i guess that’s fine” soooo I started praying about going to Grenada and leaving St. Lucia  as I type this out, I realize how funny and ridiculous I actually am  so every day I started praying for Grenada but at the end of each prayer, I would say “But God let YOUR will be done, send me somewhere I’ll make the most impact and the place where YOU need me to go, not where I wanna go”So I will say that... then still have my heart set on the exact place 


So with all that being said. TODAY WAS THE DAY I FOUND OUT EXACTLY WHERE I WAS GOING AFTERS MONTHS AND WEEKS OF GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH MYSELF AND MY MIND AND MY HEART AND MY PRAYERS!! Lol



****Drum Rollllll****
For the next 26 months I’ll be on the beautiful island of Saint Vincent and the Grenadines!!!!!!!!!! And it’s so interesting because I’ve done NO research on this island and it was the least on my radar so it’s really funny how God works, huh?! Anywho, I started my research and I’m pretty excited to be placed here! I know it’s not by accident at all and I’m happy ill be going with other volunteers I’ve gotten close with during training. ALSO, I'll be leading ART SESSIONS and helping to develop a library at my school!!! How cool is that?!! I LOVE ART! I'm happy I can help with literacy and sprinkle in some creativity too. Ugh, God is good. Not to mention the Grenadines has 32 LAVISSSSHHHH islands I can travel too and I heard it’s to die for!!So all in all, praise God! Half of the anxiety is now GONE! And family and friends, now know exactly where I’ll be. So if you’re serious, go ahead and start looking for them flightzzzzzzz.See y’all soon!

IT'S CARNIVAL SEASONNN

St. Lucia's CARNIVALLLLL

Today was an action packed day!!! My last blog post was last week and I apologize! Our trainings are pretty intense Monday-Friday and after training, I usually help out around the house and by that time, I’m way too tired to write! I’m going to try to post at least 2 times a week though!!!

SO!! I attended my first Carnival celebration and man was it....... a lot. Lol. There’s Carnival on most Caribbean islands during summer/fall months and St. Lucia’s celebration fell right at the perfect time! I went to the celebration with other PCT’s and boy, were we in for it!

Two days of street parades featuring live bands and DJ music, and of course the EYE-catching, stunning Carnival costumes men and women wear.  Overall, it was a nice experience. I’ve heard it about it for many years prior to being on the island so I atleast wanted to check it out (and I only live 30 mins away from downtown) so it worked out! The food was amazingggg. There was wide selection of things you could choose from. There was hot dogs, hot dogs on sticks, grilled + fried chicken, fish cakes, fried + grilled fish, French fries, Lucian baked pastries, ice cream, SNOW CONES, and a plethora of other food choices!

Now the celebration!!

But first... what the heck is Carnival?

So some history: Carnival in the Caribbean is tied to colonialism, religious conversion, and ultimately freedom and celebration. The festival originated with Italian Catholics in Europe, and it later spread to the French and Spanish, who brought the pre-Lenten tradition with them when they settled (and brought slaves to) Trinidad, Dominica, Haiti, Martinique, and other Caribbean islands. Carnival (to abstain from red meat) is suppose to be a “Catholic” & “Christian” celebration buuttt  There was nothing there that tied to Jesus! 🧐 Jesus would not attend Carnival lol. So I’m not sure how Christianity is the focus or part of the tradition...buuuut that’s enough for the history lesson! Definitely google it for a better description.

With all that being said, it was a very aesthetically pleasing display of fashion, color, and creativity! The costumes were truly well crafted! Each band (the group of women and men who 'jump' the celebration) had different colors and each color represented something! That’s the part I really enjoyed- the fashion of course. (!!SIDE NOTEEE: TO BE APART OF A BAND IT'S AROUND $1500 EC WHICH IS $550 US DOLLARS, isn't that something!!)  The people who were weren't apart of bands (like myself) also came in very festive clothes and it was interesting to see people’s take on carnival in their own cultural way. There were attendees from ALL parts of the world so seeing the different shades, races, ethnicities all coming together in fun, friendship and good times was a nice sight.

It was truly an amazing display of Caribbean culture- mainly of how high they regard the value of Togetherness. I honestly feel like everyone in St. Lucia knows each other! The local woman I went with stopped and briefly made jokes with like every other person we passed!! 

ME: Soooo you know everybody basically??

But seriously, It's such a close knit community!

Would I attend another Carnival? It may be a shocking conclusion.. but I don’t think so! The nudity, the extreme drunkenness, the THRIST, the little kids twerking, it just kinda bothered my spirit. So I won’t attend but no shame for those who do attend!! I think it's a cool experience to attend atleast one if you're into that kinda thing.

Now that was my real Carnival thoughts and feelings!!!! I’m glad I attended though! For more pictures, check out my Instagram page: @astylezx!

Also-- please feel free to comment or message your own thoughts! Should the posts be longer? More in depth or what? I'm trying to keep it relatively medium in length because I know some of us don't like to read essayysss so let me know!

Talk soon ;)

Sunday Dinner: Lucian Style

Breadfruit and everything nice

Lunch in St. Lucia is typically the biggest meal of the day. Not dinner. 

Lunch consisted of-

Pink Beans
Cawan Fish
Salad with Cherry Tomato and Carrots
Rice with vegetables + garlic + tumeric and other stuff I'm not too sure of
Breadfruit
Onions
Fried Macabwo (similar to plantain)

My first authentic meal with my host grandma and it was of course amazing. Truly busting. I helped her cook, chop and cut. She wants to teach me all that she can so that when I leave & live alone I am able to cook good Lucian food. But honestly, idk how much I’ll be able to learn. That food was heavenly and I’m sure it took years of perfection to get to that point. I only have a month with her  

Every Sunday, it’s tradition to cook a good hearty meal and next Sunday, she wants me to make American food. LOL. That meal took 3 hours to prepare and I can’t think of anything I know how to cook extremely well that will be anything close to the deliciousness i just experienced.

Y’all my grandma really is the cutest. She knocks on my door every 30 minutes to introduce me to ALLLL the people who comes to see her. It’s a lot of people. She’s legit a hometown celebrity and everyone here is related one way or the another. I definitely feel very safe so I’m grateful for that. A lot of her visitors say I look Lucian which I’ve never received before..... no lie each lady says “she looks like so and so” or “you really could pass for Lucian” idk if it’s that or simply because I’m a fellow black woman.... but I’ll take it.

Anywho this post was suppose to be solely about the amazing meal I just ate. It was so good it actually inspired me to write about it. 

So here’s to my first time trying breadfruit. Shoutout to my Caribbean friends who are forever talking about it, I am truly a believer at this point.

Ohhh wait!! One more thing....the juice she made from scratch was amazing! It was Golden Apple juice & she picked the fruit from her garden. Y’all her garden is SO big she sells to the supermarket. Amazing right?

But anywho... that was great.

(I still don’t know about Saltfish & Ackee tho) I’ll keep y’all posted.

The fruit pictured below is Starfruit and it's very sweet! Taste and texture wise it's comparable to a green apple almost? That's the best thing I can compare it too. It's amazing and once you cut it, it gets this shape! 

First milestone: Met my host family

Yesterday I met my first host family!!!!!!!!!!!

July 5, 2019

I’ve been waiting for this day for monthssss (since January to be exact) and it finally came yesterday. With all the nerves, curiosity, anxiousness and excitement leading up until this moment.

 It finally settled when I met my host............................. GRANDMA!!! She’s honestly a breath of fresh air!! She is an amazing God-Fearing woman who loves flowers, vegetables, YouTube videos and most importantly Jesus ️

I’m so happy God placed me in her care for the next month and I’m looking forward to experiencing life with my first grandmother 

I haven’t met any of my grandparents on my mother or fathers side so this is very new for me. I love and respect the elderly so much and being paired with my host grandmother seems like a match made in heaven! Woo isn’t He so intentional?!!

Honestly up until this point, I have felt God’s hand every single step of the way and it’s been so rest assuring that He is with me and I am not alone. I may not be with my family, friends or familiar settings but God is leading me every single step of the way and bringing the right people in my life. This 27 month experience is one that comes with ALOT of question marks and the unknown and there is no way you can do it without being extremely open minded and literally taking things day by day... seriously. The challenge is truly & actually living by faith and not by sight. But I can already tell it will be an experience I will be talking about for the rest of my life.

And it’s only day 5/820.

DAY 1/820 !!!!!!!

MIA TO ST. LUCIA!

After a delayed flight from Miami to St. Lucia, we are FINALLY HERE ON THE ISLAND!!! It has gotten so real and actually started to hit me. I was super emotional during the flight. I think I cried maybe 3 times before touchdown. Ha. Actually both flights since I left Atlanta. What has been keeping me grounded is the Word, honestly. Each time I get feelings of anxiety or any fear, I read His Word immediately. It’s very amazing actually because for the past 3 days the Verse of the Day on the Bible App has ALL been about : Peace. (No coincidences over here!!) I know that is my Heavenly Father speaking to me and equipping me with the peace that surpasses all understanding.

• John 14:27 NIV ~ Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid

• Philippians 4:7NIV ~And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus

• Isaiah 26:3NIV ~ You will keep in perfect peace
      those whose minds are steadfast,    because they trust in you

This is a VERY huge move for me and one of the biggest steps I’ve ever taken in life so it requires a great deal of peace, understanding, and willingness to grow from me. I know I can’t do it alone. So i am completely giving it up to Christ and completely trusting Him each day. It may be a challenge because I’ve had issues with complete trust in the past. I will keep you guys posted!! Buuuut I am ready for the journey 

The island is also very beautiful!! I will be going through training for the next couple months which is in St. Lucia. The country is very scenic and the people are extremely welcoming. ALSO, it wasn’t as hot as I imagined yesterday. So I’m PRAYING the weather stays consistent and doesn’t burn off my skin (Yes I’m dramatic but fr). Here’s to the first official day as a PCV in country!  

July 5, 2019

Who Am I and Why Peace Corps, you ask?

Who Am I and why did I decide to serve

?

Hey everyone! Friends close and far! So my name is Ashley! I recently graduated from the amazing University of Georgia with a degree in Fashion Merchandising and Entrepreneurship and decided to join the Peace Corps shortly after.

Firstly, the choice didn’t come immediately. So why is a creative driven, not only fashion enthusiast but fashion student leaving the US and embarking on a Caribbean adventure in the Peace Corps? Many reasons

1. The job opportunities I received in the US didn’t feel right nor did I think it would fulfill me in the way I desired
2. I have my whole life to work a regular, 9-5pm job and didn’t wanna devote these next years working one (so basic, right?) haha I’m playing, but seriously
3. I have traveled and taught children the last 3 years in college and I fell in love with both teaching and traveling. Once you travel and see the need in other countries, it really stirs up something inside you to want to do more
4. I felt called to do something deeper. To truly serve a community in the best way I know how and that’s through teaching and the youth. Once I found out about the Peace Corps through a friend who is currently serving in Thailand (shoutout Maria), my heart said yes immediately. My mind said yes a little later lol. Once my heart and mind settled on the idea, I felt at peace and I knew this was God affirming my decision to leave my comfort and all I’ve ever known to accomplish something greater and beyond me.

It was hard to explain to family and friends why I decided to move from my home but after a while, they settled on the idea also. When my mind is made up on something, I go after it and it's very hard to change my mind.

So here's to the next 27 months in the beautiful East Caribbean islands!!