Since my last entry I have officially made the move to New York City, completed my first year of grad school and tussled more than halfway through my first year of teaching!!! Looking back, I am just like..WOW. In the midst of this, adjusting to a new city has been filled with so many lows and highs (stay tuned for my next post). I lost sight of so much these last few months, but slowly but surely.. we are back!! 🥳
Oh my goodness. I finally mustered up the courage to start typing again. I think about this blog so often, yet, I always feel SO daunted to get my fingers to type anything. It has been one excuse after another. Excuses like “No one would even resonate with what I’m talking about, I’m so busy, I don’t know what to write about, I have lessons to plan”, etc etc etc. These are the excuses I’ve been telling myself for the last 8 months and ultimately it led to me putting this blog allll the way in the back burner.
It is truly my apologies. I realized I am not only doing myself a disservice by not exercising one of my passions, but a disservice to those who faithfully read and encouraged me with my writing. I plan to be a lot more consistent (seriously) this time around. I got encouraged to start writing again by a young lady who just got accepted to Columbia University and she told me how much my blog and YouTube video inspired her own application journey 🥺 Not only that, but other individuals who experience/d similar hopeless seasons and seeing the little ways in which my blog has prompted them to release certain expectations, frustrations and control. Whew, deep breath.
I am a firm believer that Jesus blesses each of us with gifts so we can pour out onto others while He continuously fills us back up. But I won’t lie– I have been feeling drained like no other. Not completely empty, but drained to where just the mere thought of being ‘normal’ encouraging Ashley felt like a chore. Reaching out to family and friends felt like a chore. Writing these entries felt like a chore. Being the teacher my kids needed felt like a chore. Honestly, getting out of bed for months felt like a chore. I was quickly losing sight of my “why”, completely discarded this beautiful season the Lord has ushered me into, and completely forgot I am living in the exact moment I prayed and cried out to God to be in. Oh, how quickly we forget.
I don’t want to do things just because I “have” to do it. That feeling is so heavy and quickly leads to resentment. No, everyday won't bring the same joy or happy feeling (let's be real), but there is something to be grateful and thankful for each day. I’ve been trying to shift my perspective and not be robbed of my daily joy.
I get to be in the space I am in and it is an honor. I get to live in a new city; I get to pour into the lives of over one hundred students and walk them through how to be confident and responsible people; I get to attend an Ivy League institution and receive an education that those before me could only dream about. And let me not forget, I get to attend an Ivy without the Ivy League price tag. W H E W. That alone… thank you Jesus.
It is all because of His goodness and faithfulness. I am trying to stop comparing, complaining, keeping up with the Jones, being so future-minded, task-oriented you name it… and truly trying to embrace my “why”.
My ‘why’ is simple. I’m sure yours is too. Your ‘why’ is your calling in this season, your conviction, what you care so deeply about, your vision, your passion, what makes you laugh or happy, sad or angry. And again it is quite simple. We, millennials, overcomplicate everything. Your purpose isn’t necessarily this abstract, super meta, hidden to some but clear to others sort of thing. This is where I messed up. I got caught up in thinking my purpose is outside of my current reality. My ‘why’ is to encourage and build up others- loved ones and strangers alike. And it comes to NO surprise that I am constantly challenged in the area of relationships. The devil is an idiot, but his tricks are pretty effective. The Bible talks about how Satan comes to kill, steal and destroy our lives(John 10:10). The very gift the Lord is trying to build up and strengthen within you is the very thing Satan wants to destroy the most. It is intentional that the very gift you will use to bless others abundantly is constantly getting attacked. For example, if you are called to be an encourager or speak words of healing into the lives of others, it is no surprise that you find yourself more often than not unable to pick yourself out of the rut. Or maybe you are very generous but can’t stop overspending financially, emotionally, or spreading yourself thin one way or another. Insert your strong suit here and I am sure you have experienced a lot of testing and trials in that very area.
Since a young age, my ‘why’ has been pretty clear to me. However, it is so easy to get caught up in all the moving parts of life. Life has a way of sucking your ambitions, passions and the little kid inside of you dry and dull, if you don’t shift your perspective. I mentioned my strong suit is in the area of cultivating solid relationships but I haven’t said this is the area I constantly get attacked in as well. This past year has been a very unique one- lots of “firsts” and in the midst of everything I mentioned above, I also dealt with painful trials and heartbreaks– from friendships to family to romantically. I remember telling God that this is the “last thing I need in my life right now”.. But it is in this testing and trial period where my character has been developed the most and my ‘why’ has gotten a lot more clear.
The greatest power to change our lives exists in the form of trials that God graciously sends to us to bring about character transformation. It’s hard to pinpoint when we are in one, and as a result, we run from the trial rather than embrace it and the growth it brings. I believe that often trials come into our lives in so many disguises that can prevent us from recognizing and embracing their transforming power. For me, my trial was obvious relational issues which translated to isolating myself and isolating my loving Father which then translated to everything-- literally everything-- feeling like a chore. I am still learning that trials are a sign of God’s approval and not anger, and they are not an obstacle to our growth, but ultimately the fuel for it.
I’ll wrap it up here. I am challenging you to rediscover your ‘why’. Whether you are feeling drained or completely filled up, this will help you realign yourself to who and what matters most. God is ordering each of our steps and He is ever faithful, even when we are not. All is well folks. Stay fueled.
Until next time~
Ash💋
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