Can I be real for a moment?

I want to be very transparent on this blog. Right now I’m feeling the most vulnerable and powerful I’ve ever felt and I want to keep all my readers in touch each step of the way. (As much as I’m willing Atleast) . Also, because I love writing and it’s been a good outlet for me for years.

Yes it’s definitely an amazing experience and I go on many adventures, experience something new everyday, eat amazing foods and take cool pictures but here’s the other side of the coin.

I didn’t wanna share this but aww what the heck! 🤷🏽‍♀️

Entry from July 17, 2019-

Today was pretty hard. I had so many different emotions from the moment I woke up, throughout training and till after I got home after 5pm.

I cried several times during training today which is if you know me, HUGE! I typically don’t cry in front of others. And it’s annoying sometimes! Especially since I’m extremely empathetic. (Like believe me.. I do want to cry with you! Lol) But somehow in the presence of others, my emotions don’t all the way settle in... if that makes sense.  even when I wanna just meltdown and cry, it’s like my body puts on an automatic defense for me and all my tears dry out lol. But I would say in these last couple of months, I’ve been getting a lot more comfortable with my vulnerability and sharing that with others (claps for Ash)

But on this day.....That automatic defense went all the way down and my body was like “yeaaaa we’re gonna let you feel this” so that’s exactly what happened and I cried and cried. You know those tears you get when you’re just crying and crying and you don’t even know what exactly is triggering it? Like the first couple of tears, you know exactly what this is about... then after like 5 mins.. you’re thinking about all the sadness in the world, what isn’t working out, the cry from like a week ago then it’s just... like omg, now what?!! That mood you get in when you just can’t explain what you’re feeling, how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling it?? Well that was me today & you are NOT alone. I would like to say it’s because I’m homesick, but I do think it’s a culmination of things i can’t really put into words.

Today we worked through several activities and exercises, some of which were very emotional so that didn’t make things any better  I think the exercises and hearing the experiences of others also made me pretty emotional.

What I learned today is- well many things. As basic, obvious or whatever you wanna call it as this sounds but there are some REALLY good people in the world. The support and love we’ve all shared for each other (2 weeks in of friendship) has truly been paramount. I’m very blessed to be placed in such an emotionally mature group and before coming to Peace Corps have people in my life who actually place people in high regards. I’ve connected with individuals who actually care for others and respects every single emotion one may be feeling and able to speak to situations in a very constructive manner.

For example, we’re all in this together and we know in the next 2 years, we will all go through a myriad of emotions and roller coaster of feelings but instead of sulking in that, there’s uplifting dialogue and I’m not talking about that basic “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” “ it’s all for the better, we’re all getting stronger, you got this” (although this is true) ...I’m talking about the filtering of emotions that helps you understand why you feel this way and in turn strengthens you and redirects you to the very reason you answered such a selfless assignment.

There’s nothing wrong with feelings of sadness and feeling like you can’t control pretty much anything. But this is the first time in my life that I feel “stuck”. Stuck in a sense of I have to come to terms with ALL my feelings every single day and if I can’t do this.. it’s okay. I won’t always be in control and in fact, I’m never really in control anyway. This realization is not all bad, though it does scare me sometimes.

My life is way beyond me at this point and this is something that gets a lil more real every single day. It’s not about me. I didn’t enter this season expecting it to be this way, neither. However, I didn’t realize I’ll be learning so much about myself so quickly in the process of becoming an assistance to others. 

I can’t just go into my room, my safe place, to drown the world out, take a break & refresh or hide away from things or anyone else for that matter..so I have to truly learn how to adapt to this new sense of “vulnerability” and accept my current reality. It’s really different as I stated before- yet powerful all the same.

Life here isn’t fast paced. Nor driven by materialistic things or 1000 ways to distract yourself from actually getting to know yourself or the world around you. Atleast that’s not the case for me. I like to press in and not fill myself with surface level nothings, relations or things that only offer temporary gratifications. When you’re feeling incompetent, pressure or challenged, you can’t run to a substance, your ego, your job, a busy schedule, a checklist, the group of your closest ‘friends’ who may or may not know you- the real you I mean- , you can’t go indulge in Netflix for hours (I still do, don’t get ya girl wrong) or any bandaid fixes that doesn’t actually heal you nor help any situation. And expect to feel fine. That only works for so long. 
You actually have to learn you. And come to terms with why you’re feeling this way, how you respond to things and why you respond that way. That’s how I’m learning to take things day by day. This also helps me appreciate the little things and the little wins.

I’m not sure how we’ve got to this place and I’ve just been typing and typing. (i started proof reading y’all btw!!) but you know those days, when you’re realllly in your feelings and you don’t care what comes out so as long as it comes out! Well it was one of those days. Happy reading! Lol

To end... I just wanna say

One thing is for sure- You can’t practice compassion or courage with anybody else until you practice it with yourself .